Episode #5: No Limits and No Boundaries
Sometimes, we don’t know when or how to say no.
My guest for this episode is Star Melancon. Star is a scientist turned entrepreneur who struggled with setting boundaries in her corporate workplace before launching her own financial consulting business. Star thought removing herself from the corporate environment would restore her ability to set boundaries and give her a healthy work-life balance.
But Star learned that without true transformation, she would continue the same people-pleasing practices that led to serious physical and mental health consequences. That mistake forced her to turn inward and figure out what made her put everyone else’s needs before her own.
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Show notes
Links from this episode:
Star Melancon on Instagram: @shebuildingher_ca
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Eman Ismail: [00:00:00] Star Melancon was a black scientist working in a lab in corporate America.
Making a cool $260,000 a year. She thought she was doing pretty well on the money front. It wasn't until she heard all her white and Asian male colleagues talking about stocks and index funds that she realized, even though on paper they were all learning the same amount, her coworkers had a lot more money than she did. Because they were investing and she wasn't.
Not only was she not investing, but she knew nothing about that world. While they shared their financial plans and strategies, she sat next to them, silent, unable to contribute to the conversation, feeling unworthy and uncomfortable.
[00:01:00] From then on, Star dedicated herself to becoming financially literate so she could start investing too. But she went so much further.
Star quit her high paying job in corporate America and founded She Building Her, where she helps women go from making money to building sustainable wealth.
When I first came across Star, I very quickly realized she was different from all the other people I'd ever heard talking about money. She believes being sensible and strategic with your finances doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your daily coffee. As a matter of fact, she teaches her clients to create a fun fund, which is a separate bank account or part of money that's dedicated to making you happy. You get to spend your fun fund on whatever you want, whether that's traveling, eating out or designer clothes.
Star is one of the most knowledgeable and confident money people I know, but it turns out that wasn't always the case.
Star Melancon: I was just being trampled over, walked over [00:02:00] left and right from family expectations to like, intermediate family, like parents expectations from colleagues, from supervisors. And it just was, it was a horrible situation.
Eman Ismail: On today's show, I'm speaking to Star Melancon, financial strategist and CEO and founder of She Building Her about how not setting boundaries in her life and business had devastating consequences, but is also the reason she was able to become the financial expert she is today.
Star Melancon: I just went full on into my craft. And I've just got really, really, really good. And I really started transforming lives. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to set these boundaries. And if they don't want to come, they don't have to.
Eman Ismail: Welcome to Mistakes That Made Me, the podcast that asks extraordinary business owners to share their biggest business mistake so you know what not to do on your road to success. My name's Eman Ismail, [00:03:00] and I'm an email strategist and copywriter for online business owners and e-commerce brands. I'm a podcast lover, a pizza binger, a proud mama of two, and I have this radical idea that if maybe us business owners were a little less guarded and a lot more open about the mistakes we've made, we could help each other grow a business that brings us more joy and less regret.
A little trigger warning. Stillbirth does come up in this conversation. So if that's something you don't wanna hear about right now, it might be best to listen in another time.
Star, I love the name of your company, She Building Her. Tell me how that came about?
Star Melancon: In a dream.
Eman Ismail: Wow.
Star Melancon: It literally came in a dream and it came in a dream at least three years before I ever knew that I was going to start the company and then when I told people, no one liked the name. And they're like, what, what is that you know? And I'm like, no, it's fitting. Like it's [00:04:00] something about, it's like, almost like my soul connected to it.
It was just like, no, this is literally what it is. This is the whole premise of everything that is near and dear to me. So yeah, She Building Her, came in a dream.
Eman Ismail: Wow. That's amazing. And just so you know, I absolutely love the name. I think it encompasses everything you do and how supportive you are of women and women supporting women. I absolutely love it.
Star Melancon: A hundred percent. I mean, that was. My hope that that is what the main would translate so that as you know, some people just understood like, hey, this is a safe space, it's judgment-free we lead with love. That's what it's about. You know, so no mean girl spirit, you know.
Eman Ismail: Absolutely. When I first came across to you, you were helping women do a whole bunch of stuff kind of financially. So you were helping women budget, save, you know, repay their debt, plan for retirement, and then also, [00:05:00] I guess, educated in stock market investing. And now, from what I understand, you've kind of, kind of let some of those go and you've really, you've really kind of honed in on one aspect of that.
What was it that made you kind of drop the other stuff?
Star Melancon: So that's actually really interesting. So initially you're right. I did all kinds of things in the sphere of personal finance. Eventually I had to niche down. And it was because that's what business is you're supposed to do. Right? That's what social media. So you have to have a niche, you have to be specific to something. People have to know immediately what you do kind of thing. And so it caused me to be like, okay, well, this thing, the stock market is something that I really, really want people, women specifically, to know about. And I want them to understand how this is such a vessel and a tool to build right. To build wealth with.
And I know that the way I [00:06:00] deliver the information is not like super standard on how you receive that information in the world. And I knew that my voice needed to be in that space. And so that's what I niched down to.
But the funny thing is it left me with a void because the reality is, the way my mind works is that there's a map or an ecosystem of money and everything kind of works with the other thing. Right. And so it left me with a real void because I will be teaching about stocks, stocks, stocks, and I will want to touch on taxes, you know, savings, this, that, all the things, the retirement portion, because they all really, you know.
And so recently I just started a membership, personal finance membership. It's called the Star Method. And so on my main page, She Building Her, I still just teach about stocks, stocks, stocks, but I have this personal finance membership where I'm able to just really deep dive into the strategy behind different areas of personal finance.
Eman Ismail: Oh, wow. What kind of stuff do you dive into when you say like the [00:07:00] different areas of personal finance?
Star Melancon: So things like, tax strategy, estate planning, Budgeting or we call it spinning plans because my community has made it very clear that they do not like the word budget because it makes them feel restricted. And so we have exed out the word budget as of 2020. But, creating a savings plan, understanding how to be financially prepared for your children, your spouse, your parents. Cause a lot of us end up taking care of our parents, you know. Later on, we talk about credit, we talk about real estate and, you know, home ownership. We go into a lot of different areas because it's all connected.
So I'm bringing experts. Of course I'm not an expert in all those things. I just, I just know that it works because I do it right. And so we bring in experts and things like that. And we just get it all together.
Eman Ismail: Yeah, this is sounding like something I need. Because I promised myself. I'm so serious. [00:08:00] This year, I promised myself was, is the year that I, I think just really invest in my own financial literacy. Like I don't think I'm terrible. I think like what I know I'm good at I'm okay at. I can manage myself. I can manage my company. But beyond that, there's a lot that I need to learn and just realizing how much, I don't know. It can feel really overwhelming.
So, yeah, I think that's definitely something I need to look into and I it's super interesting what you just said about your, your members feeling like the word budget is very limiting to them and restrictive, because you were the person that taught me that budgeting is not necessarily for poor people. It doesn't mean you're poor if you're budgeting, and that was mind blowing to me.
Star Melancon: Yeah. I say all the time, like if you really just think about it at his core, who's more likely to have to have a plan with their money. People who don't have enough to even pay their expenses, or they're just kind of living, you know, from [00:09:00] here to here to paycheck, to paycheck, to paycheck. Or people who have more than enough money and so they need a plan on what to do with their money. Right. Like, who's more likely to really sit down and create a plan, aka a budget. It's usually people who have more are the ones who are budgeting, but it's this societal thing that it's like, just throw it in a bag. It's like a culture where like, if you're budgeting or you as the prices are this, that it's just, it's ridiculous.
So, yeah, I mean, I think at the end of it, like, just like you just said, if you. Communicate in terms that people can receive this. They're power is unlimited. Like once you unlock that in their mind and expand their mind to get out of the black and white and understand that there's a lot of gray area in personal finance, and you can literally construct it to meet your needs, once you give that power to [00:10:00] someone, to a woman specifically, her power is unlimited. There's literally nothing that she cannot do once she understands that this thing is here to work for her. It's amazing.
Eman Ismail: I love that. And Star you taught me to budget. And not just to budget, but how to actually budget realistically. When I pay myself every month, I'm actually quite conservative in how much I pay myself. Like I could pay myself more, but I choose to pay myself a little less than I need. But what I do do is give myself just that little bit of extra room for like indulgences, like takeouts and, and cake and coffee at my favorite cafe.
Because although I like to watch my money, I don't like to feel like I'm watching my money. And I mean, I just I've thought that you'd be interested to know that you've actually impacted the way that I manage my money and the way that I watch my money and spend my money. So, yeah, I think that's pretty cool.
I would love to ask you about [00:11:00] your family as well, because you have two children. So tell me about your family life.
Yes, I have a two-year-old and a three-year-old son and of course my husband and, yeah, it's the highlight of my life. Like, I don't know. I love it.
Eman Ismail: I hear you talk about your husband a lot and you know, I absolutely love it. You had this reel of you both on Instagram, where you just shared your firstly you've shared your wedding photos and like snippets from your wedding, which looks beautiful.
And let's talk about that for a second, because I think on the post, while you actually shared your wedding photos, you spoke about the fact that you invested heavily in your wedding. And you, the whole post was about you not regretting a single cent that you spent on it.
Star Melancon: Yeah. yeah, we spent, I mean, so this is the thing I don't, I come from like my [00:12:00] family and friends, I do come from like a lot of smaller weddings, you know, they're very more conservative in terms of like, they prefer to put the money into something else. Like, whatever. You know, they want to put the money into a vacation or a honeymoon or find a house rental properties. And so I feel like there's like a lot of, like, you don't need a wedding. It's not about the wedding. It's about the marriage and you know, all the things. And for me, I mean, and this might be because I have this complex of mass celebrating myself. Like I'm very much, I don't like to be in the spotlight. I don't want it to be the center of attention. And so for me, my wedding, even though it was just so worth it, like it's it was such, it was so beautiful, it was so me, it was such a bonding experience for my husband and I, it was a memory that we share that we talk about all the time, we think about all the time. And I, it was just, it was, [00:13:00] we, all of my family and friends and his, it was just so magical. And yeah, we spent, probably close to like $50,000 on our wedding. Which a lot of people, even in my life just was like, what the, you know. But I'm like, listen, you invest in what you find valuable.
I'm an experience kind of person. I like to experience things and this was an experience of a lifetime for me. So yeah, I did. And I enjoyed every moment of it.
Eman Ismail: And I think that goes back to what you teach, which is how to have a healthy relationship with money and how to have healthy enough relationship with money that you allow yourself to spend on the things that you see valuable, despite what anyone else thinks.
Star Melancon: I agree. Yeah. It's a lot of noise. It's a lot of noise and I feel like the noise stops people from just genuinely and authentically experiencing life in the way that they desire it. [00:14:00] You know, because of so much pressure out there from everywhere. So yeah, no, just gotta stand up for yourself at some point.
Eman Ismail: I agree. Well, Star, let's get onto what I invited you here for. Are you ready?
Star Melancon: Kind of.
Eman Ismail: Star? What is the mistake that made you
Star Melancon: The mistake that made me was not setting boundaries. Just not setting boundaries, period. That was my biggest mistake in multiple areas of my life. And it went from corporate to business to entrepreneurship. The whole thing. I just, I was, I was like a people pleaser basically, and I didn't set boundaries and it, it definitely hurt me.
Eman Ismail: Okay.
It hurt you and then helped you. Okay. Let's dig deeper.
[00:15:00] I am definitely a people pleaser or a recovering people pleaser, so I can already empathize, but let's dig deeper. Tell me a little bit about how that showed up in your life. You weren't setting boundaries. How did that show up in your life and business?
Star Melancon: It showed up in my life a long time ago, before I was able to recognize it. And this word boundaries is kind of like newish for me, you know. Maybe in the last decade we hear a lot about boundaries, boundaries, and you're introduced to this idea of boundaries. As when I was growing up as a child, there was no such thing as boundaries, right?
You were just in your place. And that was that. And so, I didn't grow up with a healthy set of boundaries or anyone who encouraged me to set any boundaries because, like, of course, no one who's used to crossing your boundaries is going to encourage you to set them. Right. And so [00:16:00] I love my family. I love my parents. They're amazing, but it was a little bit of generational stuff going on there.
And so when I got to corporate, I went into a position that was. I always say that wasn't meant for me because I was the only Black person there. I was only the Black woman there. Like I like to say like, from as far as the eye could see, I didn't have any Black colleagues or, you know, Black women colleagues.
Star Melancon: And so I went into this position and it caused me to have to constantly prove myself that I was worthy of being in that space, which ironically also led me to create She Building Her.
But, I had to constantly prove myself that I was worthy of being in that space. And so I never set boundaries. When people asked me to do extra things, I did it. When people told me that I was supposed to do stuff that I knew I wasn't supposed to do in terms of like, just trying to push some work load off on [00:17:00] me, I did it. When they asked me to work an extra holiday than other people, I did it. It just constantly showed up in corporate in that way.
Eman Ismail: Just to interrupt, to add some context to that, a context to this. We're saying corporate and we don't mean what people might assume, whatever, whatever kind of they're imagining right now is not what you were doing in corporate.
You were a scientist. I mean, you, you worked as a biopharmaceutical microbiologist.
Star Melancon: Yes. Wow. Yes. Thank you for, thank you for even learning my title. I appreciate that.
Eman Ismail: You are welcome. You are so welcome. Look so when we're talking about feeling like you needed to prove yourself as a Black woman, you are talking about feeling like you need to prove yourself as a Black woman surrounded by other scientists. That is a lot.
Star Melancon: Lot of pressure.
Eman Ismail: There's a lot of pressure.
Star Melancon: A lot of [00:18:00] pressure.
Eman Ismail: So my question is, and you touched on it already a little bit when you spoke about how your parents raised you and that kind of generational gap. And maybe I'm making a lot of assumptions here, so tell me if I am. But as a fellow Black woman, I know in our Black culture, we are often taught to have, and it's, it's great in many ways, but it has its downfall sometimes. We're taught to have almost like an unquestioning respect for authority. So, you listen to those who are in higher positions than you. You don't question, you do what you're told. You don't talk back, you do what you're told. And so I personally have seen how this has played into my life. So it's really interesting to see you talk about how it's come up in, in corporate life for you, and then also business as well.
Star Melancon: Oh my goodness. Yes. And something that's put into [00:19:00] you, like, is a part of your, the gumbo of who you are, the makeup, trying to break that and then break that in an uncertain space. Like, you know, it. It's a lot. It's a lot, it's a lot of emotions. It's a lot of mindset stuff that comes up. It's a lot. It's a lot.
Becauselike I said, of course, like your parents are not going to encourage you to set boundaries because they're telling you what to do and you need to listen, period. It doesn't matter how you feel about it. It is what it is. Right. So then you take that, and then you go through life and then you're in this position where you're vulnerable. Again, I call it vulnerable. You're vulnerable again, because you have this person of authority or these people of authority and they're saying, you know, they're crossing your boundaries. You're not used to setting boundaries. You're not used to calling people on crossing your boundaries. It was a whole spiral and effect. It just really sent me into a deep, deep depression. I ended up having two [00:20:00] stillborns throughout that process because it was just a lot. It was just, it was so much on me.
But I felt like I'd gone to college. I've gotten this degree. My parents paid for this degree. That's another thing. Like I have to repay them and be the scientist because they paid for the degree. It was just a lot of stuff on top of stuff. And so that's how that showed up in corporate. It was, it was a beast.
Eman Ismail: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you had two stillborns it's horrific and I cannot even imagine. And I can, as you're talking, I can see almost the, just the pressures building on top of you and, were you, one of the first people in your family to go to college?
Star Melancon: I was the first person.
Eman Ismail: Okay. So that that adds its own pressures as well.
So you're not only have all these expectations of yourself, but you're also living and dealing and trying to live up to everyone else's expectations, your families [00:21:00] and your colleagues around you as well at work that you feel like you have to prove yourself to. So what this is doing is it's creating a Star that has no boundaries.
Star Melancon: Man. I was just being trampled over, walked over left and right from family expectations to like, you know, like, intermediate family, like parents expectations from colleagues, from supervisors. I was just being trampled over left and right. And it just was, it was a horrible situation.
So then I thought my, my aha moment was like, I need to leave corporate. I need to get the heck out of here, right? And a lot of that was when I was in corporate, a part of that mix of me proving that I belong here and doing the extra work and I was already leaving my home at 4:30 AM coming home at 7:30 PM. I never saw my son during the work week. You know, I was so tired from everything on the weekends that I barely saw him on the weekends as I was sleeping. [00:22:00] And it was just a whole thing.
Star Melancon: But outside of that, I was also in this very white environment where I, we were all like on paper-- who knows if we were really making the same amount of money-- but on paper we were all equals. And I realized that they were talking in circles when it came to the wealth conversation, they were investing, they were saving, they were doing all the wealth generating activities that I had no idea about. So that was a whole part in corporate. And, once I went down that rabbit hole of learning and learning and kind of tip my foot in the water of teaching about personal finance and financial literacy and investments and things, I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.
I told you I dreamed up the name, She Building Her, three years before I even knew I was going to have this, this company. And so I made my exit strategy, left corporate, got into business. What I kind of started my business and then I left corporate to do my business full time. And I thought I was [00:23:00] healed. Like I'm done. I got it. Like my boundary issues are solved, but I just walked into another brick wall because I was the same person transitioning from one place to another. And so in entrepreneurship it was the same exact thing. I just, I had no boundaries. I was doing free calls. My calls were supposed to be 15 minutes. They would end up being 45 minutes. Not only the 45 minutes, I would send them an email that had to probably print out to three pages summarizing what we talked about. I would get engaged in some kind of contract with a client and we will come to the end of the terms and they would constantly email me, call me, text me, DM me for more and more and more supporting questions and this and that. And it was so overwhelming because now I'm dealing with the pressures of going from a job where I'm making about $260,000 a year to entrepreneurship, where I'm [00:24:00] struggling to make a thousand dollars a month.
And so this whole struggle of business ownership on top of the lack of boundaries and the fact that when you don't have them people will take advantage of it. It's just like a natural thing. If you keep giving, people will keep taking. All of that sent me right back into a depression. I thought I was healed when I left, came into business ownership, realized I was the same old me and it, the cycle just continued.
Eman Ismail: That was a lot. That was a lot. No, don't be sorry. I, I can. Well, I'll tell you what, what really resonated in that story was you missing your son and you're not seeing your son. So I, I worked for charity before I started my business. And one of the reasons I left, the biggest reason I left, was because I was really only seeing my son on the weekends.
I was traveling up and down the country for work. I'd leave super early. I'd come home and he'd be asleep. I had to [00:25:00] hire a childminder to pick him up from nursery. I never saw my son and I used to just hold them when I'd get home and he'd be asleep and I'd just cry and just feel so pressed and S and just think, how did I get here? How? I took this job so that I could build a better life for me and him. And now I didn't see him anymore.
And, I just, yeah, I, when you said that, that, that got to me and we've also spoken, we spoke a little bit before we started recording and you said you'd be asleep and you could hear your son trying to get into the room to talk to you and see you. And your husband would be like, oh, just, you know, let mommy sleep. It's heartbreaking.
Star Melancon: It is, you're taking me back there and it was really hard. It was, it was heartbreaking. It was just like, yeah, I remember having a breakdown and my husband being like, well, just take the day off, you know? And I'd say that they have to pick [00:26:00] my son up from school. Cause I had never picked him up from school. Never dropped him off to school except the fed. The first day of school, I dropped them off. You know, and then I went to work. I had never picked up my son from school. I had never been to a parent teacher conference. I had never taken my son to a dentist appointment, because it was during the week. It was like real. It was a lot. And so, yeah.
Eman Ismail: Did you ever feel like, cause this is what got me. I oh, I, that was, that was me for a long time. And then one day I just, I felt like I just woke up and thought I'm a grown adult. Why do I have to ask another adult to take my son to the doctors? Why do I need to check it? I just thought, like, is this a joke? Is this a, is this what I've signed up for for the next 50, 60 years? I don't think so. This is not going to work for me. This is not going to work for me or my family. I am done. And the idea of having to, to check in with someone else to [00:27:00] do things for my family. That was the thing that made me think, nope, goodbye. I'm done.
Star Melancon: Yeah. I love that. I did not ever have that realization. I did not ever have that realization. I think for me, it was just, I actually remember the day I knew I was leaving corporate. I was just coming back to work after having one of my daughters, which she was still born. And at the same time, I don't know if you heard about it, but this young man name, I think his name was Michael Brown had been by the in the United States. And I was experiencing so much grief in my body at one time, grieving the loss of my own child, grieving the return to work, grieving this thing that was going on in America. And I was just sobbing and sobbing on the train to work. And I remember having to get [00:28:00] off the train, it dropped us off on the campus, you know, pat my eyes put on lipstick and then walk in. You know, like nothing ever happened.
And the thing is, when I walked in, nothing had happened for anyone but me, you know. So they were just laughing and it was just lively. And I had to just kind of fall into the flow and just, like, shut my whole self off. And at that point I was like, I can't stay here. This is, I can't do it. They were lovely. You know, my coworkers still in contact with a lot of them. They were, you know, but it was just the system the way it was set up, I just couldn't. I could not do it.
We've gone so far back and brought up a lot of emotion, but the Star that you are now is not the Star that I'm hearing about. So talking specifically about the fact that you very much have boundaries now, I've got two questions for you. First up, [00:29:00] what made that switch for you, where you just thought, okay, I need to start putting some boundaries in place? And Star, how did this mistake make you?
Well the first thing was realizing like, oh, wow, okay. You're the same old Star. Didn't realize that was going to happen. You know, you thought you were doing what you needed to do by transitioning into business ownership. But now you're the same old Star. So I'm definitely the kind of person who will, like I'll take a day to like sulk, but after that, I'm in the mirror looking at myself, like, all right, girl, now what you're going to do about this? Because we can't just sit around here and just, you know, like life is moving regardless if we want it to or not.
Star Melancon: So it was just kind of one of those, yeah, it was just one of those things where I'm like, all right, so what you gonna do about it?
Like, when people think about manifestation, and I know this is kind of sounding off, but when people think about manifestation, they just like, oh, it's just all their intentions come to me. I'm more like a manifestation, like all the good things come to me, but then I'm also like on the computer working hard as [00:30:00] hell to get it right. So they found that kind of person. So even with trying to like set boundaries, I needed a plan of action that was going to take me from feeling like I wasn't worthy of having boundaries to feeling like I was worthy of having boundaries.
So I just was like, okay, the root of this is you think that in corporate you thought you were going to be fired and no one was going to want you there if you set boundaries. In business, you think that your clients are going to run the other way. They're not going to like you, they're not going to work with you. They're not going to value you. No one's ever, you know, this is what you're thinking that's going to happen with these boundaries.
So if you just get really, really, really, really freaking good at what you do, and no one can deny that you are transforming lives, you'll be able to set boundaries. So that's what I did. I read, I studied, I got mentors. I got, I just went full on into my craft. and I've just got really, really, really good. And I really started transforming [00:31:00] lives. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to set these boundaries. And if they don't want to come, they don't have to. Other people will come. And that is the reality. Because my work is going to speak for me. That's how my mind was able to combat that imposter syndrome and allow me to set the boundaries and then create a system and a business and a life that didn't have me spiraling in this yo-yo of depression. And just be like, I'm here, I've arrived. I'm good. Like, I deserve this. I am worthy. I'm not going anywhere. This is my path. And God said no one and no one can take me take that away from me. And that's it. That's how I got to this point.
Eman Ismail: Quick thing as an email expert, I've analyzed hundreds of emails and I see a lot of business owners making the same expensive [00:32:00] mistakes in their email strategy. And copy, I wanna help you stay away from those mistakes, which is why I've created the email rules, my free 35 minute email class that teaches you how to boost your conversions and sales through email without making any costly mistakes.
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Let's make it happen.
So you identified that this not setting boundaries, people pleasing over-delivering was basically all due to insecurity and impostor syndrome.
Star Melancon: A hundred percent. There's a lot of mindset stuff I had to go on there.
And so to [00:33:00] combat that feeling, you were over-delivering you wanted to please everyone. You wanted to make everyone happy. You want it to, oh, you know what? It sounds like you told yourself that you need to convince everybody else that you've got enough, but actually it was you. It was you that you were trying to convince.
Eman Ismail: Right?
Star Melancon: Yes.
Eman Ismail: You were good enough.
Star Melancon: That was a mic drop moment right there. You did.
Eman Ismail: I'll take it. I'll take it. Isn't not isn't that crazy. I feel like we are so hard on ourselves. Why are we so much harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else?
I don't know the answer to that question, but being hard on myself, I will say that it causes me to stretch. Stretch and stretch. Which is actually what I was going to tell you. You were telling me how you set your budget in a way that is comfortable with [00:34:00] a little bit more for your indulgence. I would challenge you to stretch. Set it at what you actually want it to be because you, you know, you're going to go hard regardless. You know you're going to do what needs to be done. So you might as well set it to where you actually want it and then allow that going hard that's going to come inevitably to serve you in a way that you want it to.
Star Melancon: So yes, we are harming ourselves, but it allows us to stretch and really push, push ourselves to the point where we see what our minds can do, what our bodies can do, what, you know, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with it.
Eman Ismail: I agree. I agree to an extent, I agree to an extent. I think I actually totally agree with you because even now I'm like, oh, you know, I need maybe one more client just to make this month maybe, to make sure that I am like super comfortable this month. But actually if I [00:35:00] increased that amount that I'm paying myself and it was like, I need two clients. You're right, I would totally work my butt off to make sure that I get those to clients, the goals I am setting for myself really determine, yeah, how hard I'm going to go at it.
Star Melancon: And the thing is right, you would probably, and this is why I think I'm so drawn to you, like, even when we first met way back when, when I don't even know, do you even do copywriting anymore?
Eman Ismail: I do on, you know, sin. I think you were one of my first clients when I first started email strategy and copyright. And when, when I decided to niche truly into email strategy and copy you on my first clients a couple of years ago, I'm still doing that. Since then my rates have gone up significantly. I only work on email and I also do coaching. So I also kind of mentor [00:36:00] and coach photo copywriters kind of, show them and help them build a business that is kind of like when I built, but one that actually, you know, works for them that they want for themselves.
Star Melancon: Well, I'm going to finish my sentence, but if you don't know, you're listening to this podcast, she's amazing at what she does. Do you remember how blown I was away? I was, but you were able to capture my voice. I was blown away like eight. I was blown away. She's really, really, really phenomenal at what she does. But anyway.
I was going to say that even when you're saying, like, maybe if I, you would end up meaning two more clients to make your salary reach what you wanted, but the reality is you would probably figure out a way to make the numbers add up and still only have to get one more client.
That's where I'm at. If it was like, okay, I need two more clients. I'm like, yeah, but how could I get one more client and [00:37:00] then just figure out something else in my system, that's going to allow this extra money to come in without me doing more work. Because at the end of it, this still has to serve me period. You know, and that's time. That's what my family has, all the things. So I don't want to sacrifice more of my time per se, but I need to figure out how to do this. And that's how it has allowed me to stretch and stretch and stretch.
Eman Ismail: Oh, I love that. And you're totally right. I love that. Definitely something I'm working on more now. I think I got to a good place with it and I felt like it was great for what my life was at that time, but since I've had a baby and so I have a lot less time. And so I almost kind of need to like restructure everything all over again. I'm like, okay. Right. How do I make this business work for me now in the phase of life that I'm in today. It worked for me a year ago. I need to like stop, you know, rejigging some things I like that.
Okay.[00:38:00] What did you do to get so good at your craft?
Star Melancon: So. The first, I mean, just, I mean, the basic things in terms of like reading. Reading, reading, reading, reading, staying totally actively involved in the space and investments. Really actively pursuing these different kind of spaces where people are openly talking about it and engaging in conversations and offering my point of view.
But then also that like really, really good mentors that I can take their Wall Street strategies and kind of refine them to what I am looking for and what my audience is looking for. I got some coaches I got, and then I started, working with people like, I'm like, ah, let me launch this and make sure it works right.
Star Melancon: Like I do it all myself, but I was, I don't like to do it on myself as much because I've had a lot of years of refining my own stuff. So I'm kind of like, you know, [00:39:00] it's kind of an autopilot at this point, but I like to take a person who's like, oh, I will never be your ideal client. I don't have this. I don't have that. And I'm like, let me dust this off and shine this woman up and make her see the diamond as she is, you know? So I just started working with more and more women and the transformation started coming. Like you should see like women purchasing their first properties purchased their first investment properties.
Like I have women that like, some of my clients that'll send me messages. Like girl, this is like fake. Like I felt like I was doing something illegal when I was doing this. And I'm like, no boo, you're not. You're just literally using the tools that are available to you that no one talks about, you know, no one talks about it.
So that's what I did. I said, Working on the back end, applying it on the front end and letting my clients tell me what, how it was going, what it was doing. And then from there, I was like, okay, now I can come out to the world. Is this cause, you know, I [00:40:00] was using, I was working with clients that I had been with for awhile. And so then I was like, all right, boom, new clients coming in. I am setting a hard pause right here, you know, so. And even when my older clients, which is the hardest to set boundaries with people who previously didn't have boundaries with, and they were so receptive, they like Star about time. Even when I raise my prices, they're like, girl, about time.
Like I was feeling bad, I was feeling bad, you know? And I'm like, really? They're like, yeah, like, do you realize what you're doing, we should've been paying you more money a long time ago. I'm like, well, thank you. I appreciate it.
Eman Ismail: Well, thank you. And maybe you could have, let me know.
That's amazing. And I feel like coming that kind of validation and that, that just level of respect, that appreciation from the people that you're working with. I mean, what bigger confidence boost could you ask for?
Star Melancon: A hundred percent. I always say like [00:41:00] a returning client. That is what does it for me. When a woman comes to me for something and then she returns. I'm like, that is the biggest compliment that I can ever receive. Because now you vetted me, you went through the experience and you want to come back. It's like, okay, I'm doing my job. I'm serving in the way that I'm supposed to be serving.
Eman Ismail: I love it. And I totally agree. We have spoken about so much. I feel like we've got an, a whole roller coaster. We've done a whole roller coaster. But tell me, what did you learn from your mistake of not setting boundaries and what do you want others to learn from your experience?
I think What I learned and what I would love other people to learn or to know is that the not setting the boundaries, the imposter syndrome, the mindset stuff, the worthiness, [00:42:00] all of that is like a mental. Like it is not real. It is this that you put around yourself that's padded with fear and all of these emotions that are not driven by, and I don't want to say 'cause I don't know, but they're not driven by God. They're, they're not emotions and feelings that need to live inside of you. Even if they come up, they need to just pass through you. Right. Because it's all psychological.
Star Melancon: And so I would say to anyone, like the biggest thing that I learned is that I could have broken that cycle way earlier than I did had i, like you said, looked internally instead of externally. So just look internally because your circumstances changing is not going to matter if you still the same old Star, right? It's not gonna make a difference. So just look internally and do the things that you need to do to, to balance yourself out. And it'll, there'll [00:43:00] be a lot, a lot easier of a transition.
Eman Ismail: Wow. Wow. And I love the idea that this is not something that came from God. Those thoughts, those feelings are not something that is meant for you or that is wanted for you.
Star Melancon: A hundred percent.
And that's not, like I said, I'm very practical. So it's not to say that the emotions or feelings won't come, but just let them pass through. You don't allow them to occupy you.
Eman Ismail: As you said that I had like a visual of like receiving it and then just allowing it to kind of pass through me. And that is something I'm going to have to work on because it sounds simple, but I know it's not, and that is something I'm really going to work on.
Star, it's been absolutely amazing talking to you. Thank you so much for being here and for being so open and for sharing as much as you did about yourself. Tell [00:44:00] everyone where they can find you. Where can people find you if they want to stay connected?
Star Melancon: Absolutely. I am the most active on Instagram at all the social media. So Instagram is @SheBuildingHer_CA. And then you can visit me on my website, www.shebuildingher.com. You can text me at 51 0-327-8747. Just send me any words, any thoughts from the podcast and I've view we can correspond. Yeah, that's pretty, that's where I'm at. And I'm not a person that has like no DMs in their profile headings. So you can always DM me, I'm a real person. And I do like to connect with people
Eman Ismail: And you're an amazing person. And your Instagram is also amazing. Thank you so much Star for being here. It's been a pleasure talking to you and I'm so glad you said yes to being on the podcast.
Star Melancon: Thank you for asking.
Eman Ismail: [00:45:00] Hearing Star talk about how her lack of boundaries, her tendency to over deliver and her people pleasing ways were all rooted in imposter syndrome. Well, feels kind of familiar.
I, like most business owners, have experienced feeling like an imposter. According to a study by Kajabi, 84% of us have. And the thing about imposter syndrome is that you can only manage it when you were able to identify it. It was only when Star realized why she couldn't create or enforce healthy boundaries. Why she was a people pleaser, why she felt like she had to overdeliver, that she could take a step back and start working on undoing those harmful thoughts and behaviors.
If you haven't heard of leadership, coach Tanya Geisler. You should look her up. Tanya talks about how the imposter complex affects us so deeply because it tells us 12 lies about ourselves. Some of those 12 lies include, Lie 1, your self doubt is [00:46:00] proof of your inadequacy. Lie 2, successful people don't experience this. Lie 3, you are all or nothing. Lie 4, you have nothing useful to say. I recommend you go and read Tanya's full blog post about these 12 lies. It is fascinating. And as you go through those 12 lies, you'll start to think, oh my gosh, it's not just me. I'm not alone in experiencing this. Maybe I'm not an imposter after all.
If you struggle with some of the issues we've talked about today, I wanna remind you of how hopeless Star felt. She didn't think she'd ever get better at setting and maintaining boundaries. And she didn't think she'd ever feel like she belonged in the rooms she found herself in. And now look at her. It just goes to show that no matter how bad things are, it can always get better.
You're listening to Mistakes That Made [00:47:00] Me, I'm Eman Ismail. And if you loved this episode, take a screenshot, post it on Instagram and tell everyone you know that this is the podcast to listen to and tag me at @EmanCopyCo so we can say hi. And so I can share your post. You can find the links to everything I've mentioned today in the show notes.
Next time on Mistakes That Made me.
Emily Thompson: I was livid so angry. I am literally on the high of my life. Right? Like I just launched my book. I am book touring with my other business partner. I'm home for just a moment where I like jet set off to another and you're gonna ruin my weekend.
